Curve balls

Life has a funny way of throwing curve balls doesn’t it? When it rains it pours type thing. You get on top of one thing and then one of the balls goes awol. Then another. Then another. Sometimes its because you started throwing the balls in the first place. You changed your mind and the Universe saw you wobble and then they just came at you hard and fast.

Finding the space to breathe takes time, courage and patience. 3 things i’m not very good at. I want things done NOW. I want time to go faster so I can find out what happens next and my motto of #bebrave sometimes gets the better of me and scares me into not doing anything at all. Paralysed by wanting to do everything and not being able to do anything.

The funny thing about change though is that its the only inevitable constant. The problem is accepting this and just letting things happen. My BIGGEST problem is that being impatient and wanting to know the outcome of the unknown means that I often feel like I’m having balls thrown at me. I’m really uncoordinated so catching them all at once isn’t really an option. Being able to even duck and dodge them is a huge effort at the moment.

Some days the best part of my day is 530am to 8am. That’s when I’m either getting ready for a ride, riding or just gotten home from a ride. Some days…. very rarely though these days, I go for a beach walk. These are the times that my head is clear, my eyes full of excitement and I feel like I could seriously conquer the world.

Not that I know what I’m conquering mind you. Half the time I just feel glad that I can keep up with the bunch. Sometimes I feel deflated that I CAN’T keep up with the bunch and I’m riding alone. In either case, I know that the mere fact that I got up and out of bed is a huge accomplishment.

There was a time when I couldn’t even do that. There was a time where my anxiety and depression kept me in bed for days. Unmotivated, lost, uninspired. Friends used to message me to encourage me to walk to the letter box and I thought that was too far. I wasn’t eating and when I was it wasn’t much. Coffee and wine were my friends…. and not my friends all at once.

Taking steps to #bebrave and admit that I needed help was a huge step. A doctor’s appointment supported by my sister, a psychologist, a hypnotherapist and anti-depressants set me on a path to finding myself. A path where I didn’t want to jump in front of a bus. Not to kill myself, but just so that my physical pain would match my internal ache. It took a lot of crying, a lot of breathing and a lot of searching to be able to take those steps and realise that I wasn’t failing…. that life wasn’t falling apart… that I had to fall to have perspective.

Last week I took a leap of faith and resigned from my job. I don’t know what’s coming next but I know that letting go is the best way to create change x

mich pasmanik